1988, my grandpa eagerly expects a son before I am born. He gives me a name 元军 meaning "the leading army". A honouring hope for the son continuing generations of kinship from our ancestor, that can not be done by a girl. The disappointment sits under the carpet. I learn to behave well to win applause. Love is something I have to please to deserve. There's no value pursuing the possibilites only available for men. But I don't buy what the tradition wants to indoctrinate me. The greatest power I've seen nurtures from motherhood and femininity. I get to break some reinforced rules, pick my value and carve out my own path.